Do you apologize too often? Do you seek approval and validation from others? If yes, you just might be a people-pleaser. People-pleasing seems like a great way to gain acceptance. But, it does not help you gain deeper connections in the long run.
When you are too agreeable, you are not being completely honest. You are abandoning yourself everytime you people-please. If you would like to overcome people pleasing, communicate your needs in the moment, let go of guilt, and seek safe spaces.
Communicate Your Needs in the Moment
It is okay to take up space with your friends, your family and in the workplace. Speak up when something bothers you in the moment. If you wait for the moment to pass, it will become harder to say anything.
When you feel uncomfortable in the moment, say something, do not ignore it. As a people pleaser, this will not feel natural at all so you will have to fight against the urge to stay silent. Sometimes staying silent is appropriate, but challenge yourself to speak up in the moment.
Let Go of Guilt
Did you know that you can say “No”? You can say ‘No’, and you do not have to overexplain. No is a complete sentence. If you are not accustomed to saying this, you will feel guilty. Let the guilt go, you can not say ‘yes’, to everything. It is not healthy.
People will have things to say regardless of if you do what you want or if you do what others want. Everyone will have something to say about any decision that you make rather positive or negative. If people are displeased with you, congratulations you may have began to overcome your people pleasing! Let go of the guilt!
Seek Safe Spaces
Find a community of people where you feel safe emotionally. Safety is not always about if you feel like you are in danger physically. If you feel safe emotionally with people, you can work on ironing out your people-pleasing tendencies. If you can work on these skills in a safe space, then you can transfer those skills to other situations and circumstances.
Conclusion
Last year, I read People Pleaser by Jinger Duggar Vuolo and it opened my eyes to how lonely and isolating people-pleasing can become. As a people-pleaser, you are not being completely honest and you feel like you have to show a facade all the time. However, you can people-please in a positive way too as long as your motives are honorable.
“People pleasing from a healthy place puts the other person’s needs first instead of my selfish need for approval. When I serve from a servant’s heart, I am a healthy people-pleaser, but when I have selfish motives, I am people-pleasing in an unhealthy way.” -Jinger Duggar Vuolo
Most of us are seeking validation to gain love and acceptance. Try to check-in with yourself about your why when you decide to take on a new project or task. Lastly, if you do not like how someone is speaking to you say something immediately. You deserve to be respected too. Remember that you matter too! Remember you are worthy.
Hope this helps,
Dominique Duarte
Vuolo, J. D., & Carr, J. L. (2024). People pleaser: Breaking free from the burden of imaginary expectations. Thomas Nelson
The Psychology of People Pleasers: https://psychcentral.com/health/the-need-to-please-the-psychology-of-people-pleasing
https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/how-to-begin-taking-up-space-in-the-world/