2026 is the year of getting out of my comfort zone. I have gone to open mic nights, got on a dating app, gone to church gatherings, began taking a The Success Breakthrough Workshop with Wendy Braun, taking vocal coachings, and an acting class with the Barrow Group. Honestly, staying at home can be so much easier than going out, but in order to get out of your comfort zone, you can travel, take a class or volunteer, or move to a new city or state.
Travel
If you have the money, get a passport and go visit a different country or go on a cruise ship. If you do not have the money, take a job that will pay you to travel. Work on a cruise ship, teach in a different country, or drive a truck for a company that pays you to travel. Furthermore, the United States is extremely vast and there is plenty to see in other parts of the country. The West Coast looks like a different world compared to the Mid-west, the East Coast or the South. All 5 regions are completely different in climate and appearance so visit them all if you can not travel abroad.
Take a Class or Volunteer
You can volunteer at a pet shelter, or church, or charitable organization. Take an art class, an acting class, a dance class to get out of your daily routine. When I was on the cruise ship, I met a woman who fell in love with ballroom dance classes after she went to a class years ago. Hobbies and activities and volunteering can give you an outlet outside of work and family life.
Move to a Different City or State
If you want to get out of your comfort zone, consider moving to a new city or state. Obviously, this will take some significant planning in order to execute, but it can be rewarding. When you get out of your hometown or home state, you will grow exponentially.
Yes, you will have to create a new community, but this is where the real growth comes in. When you stay in the same place our entire life, it does not challenge you. You can always move back home, but a little time away, even just a few years can make a huge difference in your personal growth.
Conclusion
If you are feeling stuck, try to get out of your comfort zone and change up the scenery a little bit, either temporarily or permanently. You can travel to new places, take a class or volunteer, or move to a new city or state. Lastly, if you come from a dysfunctional family, moving to a new environment can do wonders for your mental health in the long term.
If you can make it in New York City, you really can make it anywhere. NYC is not for the faint of heart and tests even the strongest people. Living here is a grind, but it teaches you so much and gives you resilience. So, if you want to make NYC your new home, make a plan, consider your job options, and learn to live a minimalist lifestyle to succeed in the Big Apple.
Make a Plan
If you want to move to NYC, begin planning for the move at least one year in advance. Save between $3000 to $5000 so that you can put down a deposit for an apartment and have money leftover until you find a job. So, $3,000 is the minimum amount you would need to bring here. Yes, rent is high! But you have to put down about $2,000 or more just to move in to an apartment, even with roommates.
Do you want to live in Manhattan, Queens, the Bronx, or Brooklyn? Research the neigbhorhoods in those boroughs. In NYC, people dicuss neighborhoods instead of street names, so you want to famaliarize yourself with the different neighborhoods. Also, brainstorm the types of jobs that you want to apply for once you move here. If you want to work at a restaurant here, YOU MUST HAVE PRIOR EXPERIENCE.
NYC employers are not going to hire people living in another state unless it is a work transfer. When you move here, use your handy dandy new NYC address to book interviews quickly. NYC may have high rent, but people are always hiring and you can find a job.
If you discover that your job isn’t paying enough, get another job that works with your current work schedule. The are so many high profile jobs in NYC. You could work in customer service for the Metropolitan Opera, Jazz at Lincoln Center, Lincoln Center, Broadway Theaters, and the Apollo Theatre to name a few.
Live A Minimalist Lifestyle
Are you used to doing laundry at home? Say goodbye. Used to having central heating and air? Adios amigos. Dishwasher? lol, you are now the dishwasher. Big closets? no no, you will be lucky to get a closet at all. The more luxuries you want in your apartment the higher your rent will be. My most expensive rent was $910 a month. This apartment had laundry in the unit, a virtual doorman, and a dishwasher.
If you want affordable rent, you will probably have to live with roommates. If you live alone, your rent will run you about $1500 to $2500 or more a month in Brooklyn. Manhattan apartments are twice this price and have significantly less space than the Brooklyn, Queens, and Bronx apartments. With roommates your rent would be about $800 to $1,200 in Brooklyn. You will rarely ever see your roommates more than likely so it is really not a bad deal.
As a child, teen, and young adult, I went to school in predominantly white environments. This never bothered me and I was accepted for the most part so much so that I felt more comfortable in the white community than in the black community in my youth. What I did not know was how challenging life would be as a black woman in America. Black women have limited voice in the workplace, lack of financial stability, and a limited support system.
Limited Voice in the Workplace
In the workplace, black women are still treated like our voice does not matter. It is not always necessarily racism at work, but probably implicit bias. Everyone has implicit bias. According to the American Psychological Association, implicit bias is defined as a subconscious negative attitude toward a specific group of people.
In most situations, black women are the minority in a room, usually full of white males and females. It can be challenging to say anything without being labeled as difficult. In order to not receive that label, I learned to mute my voice at school and at work. Repressing my thoughts and emotions would then lead to eruptions of anger later on. Finding the balance between being assertive and being accepted is a fine line to walk for a black woman at work.
In 2022, the Journal of Blacks in Higher Education found that 48 percent of black women have never been married and 51.1 percent of black men have never been married. Only 27.5 of the white population have never been married. Marriage is not a requirement in life, however living expenses are more tolerable when you have a two income household.
Black women tend to be single longer than their peers of other races or single their entire lives. Marriage is not easy at all, but it does give you a bit more financial stability than being single your entire life. Furthermore, you can split life responsibilities between two people in marriage. Supporting yourself financially for a lifetime as a single person is a bit overwhelming, even with a relatively high salary.
We do not tend to have much support from other people because black women tend to be the support for other people. In real life as well as television and film, black women are depicted as being strong, the rock, helper, or the one to go to for wisdom and advice. However, who does the black woman go to for advice?
It is usually other black women. Black women are the only ones to understand what it is like to walk in America with our hue. Many black women have had absent fathers, failed relationships, were used and abused by men, or were just seen for what they could do for others. Black women continue to fill the cup of others, but it is rarely reciprocated in the same way as it is in society for women of other races.
Conclusion
Being black is beautiful, but it can also feel like a burden at times to be honest. When I was a little girl, I had no idea what I was signing up for when I grew up. In the workplace, I have felt unwelcomed multiple times. My support system has been limited, except for other black women. Financial security has been rocky for me at best.
I learned the hard lesson that my life will never look the same as the white peers that I went to school with years ago. We live in completely different worlds and it is a hard pill to swallow. However, you can persevere and be resilient black women. We are a people of strong faith in God. At the end of the day, all you have to depend on as a black woman is God. If we did not have faith, I think we would break into a million pieces. Hold your heads up high Black Queens! You Got This!
Food, oh how I love food! I have always had an appetite for glorious food for as long as I can remember. At the age of 4 at my grandparents’ house, I knew that when Young & the Restless was over, it was lunch time, and once Oprah was over, it was dinner time, lol. The most important times of the day for me!
As a child, I never really exercised outside of recess or gym class. My metabolism must have been a bit fast because I remained relatively small during childhood and my teen years. For the most part, I have maintained a healthy weight most of my life, but my thirties have been a different story. Remaining thin does not equal healthy eating and I am the prime example of that. Here is my journey with food and weight over the years.
Food in My Twenties
Sugar has been my best friend for years. As an adult, my sugar intake increased greatly when I went to college. During college, no one was there to monitor my diet so I would gain about 10 to 12 pounds during the school year and lose it during the summer break each year. I would overconsume calories by binge eating or underconsume calories to maintain my weight.
Most of my calories were from sugary and highly processed foods. Before moving to New York, I hit my goal weight despite my terrible diet. I worked out with a trainor for about 10 months at Planet Fitness in 2016. From 2016 until 2017, I took dance classes eight hours a week at AMDA and lived in NYC. I maintained my weight pretty well for the first couple of years living in New York. From 2017 to 2018, I gained about 10 pounds and then gained another 10 pounds in 2019.
2020-2021
I turned thirty in November of 2019. During the pandemic, I was teaching full-time remotely for the entire school year. I was the least active than I had been in my entire adult life in 2020. Furthermore, I discovered ubereats, grubhub and doordash, which was a mistake for sure. The pounds piled on quickly causing my most rapid weight gain in my life.
From July 2020 until February 2021, I gained thirty additional pounds. I never thought I would see a number that high, but 196 pounds was my highest weight ever. I knew that I had to make a change because I did not want to see 200 anytime soon. Unfortunately, I still loved food aloooot, so this weight loss journey was not as quick as I thought it would be. I thought I could drop 30 pounds in six months, but this was not the case.
2021-Mid 2022
First, I got rid of my ubereats, doordash, and grubhub accounts. If you have a food addiction, having food come directly to your door will not end well for you. Secondly, I began to walk 10,000 steps or more everyday. This is a habit that I still continue today. Lastly, I began using my fitness pal to track my food and exercise daily. Logging my food showed me that I had been consuming about 3,000 calories a day without even realizing it.
2022-Present
Eventually, I lost the thirty pounds over the course of a year and a half. So far, I have maintained the 30 pound weight loss since late 2022. My diet is still a work in progress. Yes, my calorie intake has decreased and I do not binge eat the way that I used to all the time. But, the quality of my calories is still the issue. My cholesterol was a bit high last year and my doctor referred me to a nutritionist.
If you have a nutritionist, it is not just a one time visit. I have met with a nutritionist quite a few times over the course of the past year. I learned that food is definitely a coping mechanism for me to deal with life. My hectic ever changing lifestyle does not help much either. Food has been my drug of choice.
One of the biggest issues that I have dealt with pretty much my entire life is loneliness. Adulthood has been extremely challenging for me in many ways and I never had any outlets, except eating. Food has been my friend for as long as I can remember because it is consistently there and people are not.
I have plenty of friends who live in other states. However, most friends have partners and being single leaves you out on the fringe of society when you reach a certain age. So, I began reading and taking 5-mile walks more often to relieve my stress and loneliness. I am working on socializing a bit more too.
Conclusion
After meeting with the nutrionist multiple times, I am still holding on to 20 extra pounds. The sugar addiction has been hard to break. I read a book called Breaking Up with Sugar by Molly Carmel twice. I have attemped multiple times to give it up. The nutrionist did teach me to find ways to prepare meals at home that are not too difficult. I did not like to cook at home. I hated it.
But, I have started to meal prep at least my breakfast and my protein for dinner on the weekends. Now, if I could continue to cut down on sugar, the 20 pounds would drop quickly. My nutritionist has told me this multiple times to no avail. Frustrated is an understatement. If you can break your sugar addiction or over indulgence with food, please consider it.
My calorie count is reasonable overall, but the quality of calories could still use some improvement. My prayer is to lose these last 20 pounds by June and give up sugar until I reach this goal. If food is your best friend, I completely understand because my journey with food has been a wild ride for sure. Stay encouraged friends!
New York City can be one of the most exciting places for people and one of the most difficult places to live for most people. NYC is full of beauty and excitement, but can also be filled with high anxiety and difficulty. This article highlights the pros and cons of living in New York City. Let’s explore the pros and cons about existing in the Big Apple long term.
Pro: Accessible Public Transit Options
The NYC subway runs 24/7. Most ferries and busses also run all day everyday as well. You will not find these many public transit options anywhere in the country. In fact, owning a car is actually more of liability in this super expensive city. The good news is you never have to drive again. New Yorkers can get to New Jersey or Connecticut with ease using the PATH or Metro North trains. So pop in your headphones, pull out your kindle, or ipad, and relax on your daily commutes on the various forms of public transit in NYC.
Con: Long Commutes/ Transit Delays
The downside of public transit is there are delays, emergencies, flooding issues, and multiple factors than can interrupt your commute anytime. You can get to the subway station and find out that your train is not running at all. There have been times where we all get kicked off the subway train for an emergency. In order to combat these possible delays, please give yourself at least an hour and a half to get to your destination.
Pro: City is Convenient for Walking and Biking
This is an amazing city for walking and biking. You can easily hit your step goals here and get a free workout on your way to work. Furthermore, everyday is leg day in NYC since there are several sets of stairs to climb daily. Several New Yorkers choose to bike to work as an alternative to taking public transit. This saves so much money in the long run. On a gorgeous day, there is no better joy than riding your bike or taking a stroll down the street or in one of the beautiful parks.
Con: Lack of Community
If you want to find a community, it is going to be quite a task in this city. The average New Yorker has at least two jobs, and at most five jobs. EVERYONE is hustling constantly. This means that trying to schedule plans with people is a nightmare. If you have friends that live in a different borough, you may only see them a few times a year. It takes me an hour and fifteen minutes to get to my friend’s place in the Bronx and takes even longer to get to my other friend’s home in Queens. People are pretty disconnected and it can be quite lonely at times.
Pro: High Hourly Wages
NYC is intimdidating for people from other states because the wages are so low in other parts of the country. People assume they would have to live in NYC on their current state wages. You can make a living here. It is not impossible. Yes, New York is expensive and the rent is very high. However, the minimum wage in NYC is $15 an hour compared to $7.25 an hour in most other states. Fortunately, most NYC employers pay way more than $15 an hour here. Since you have higher wages, you can make a living in NYC. A two-income household can have a pretty comfortable life here.
Con: Dishonest and Unethical Employers
You do run into a significant issue in New York with dishonesty in the workplace from management. You could say that this goes on everywhere, but it is on a larger scale in NYC. Regulations are super strict in here, so employers often cut corners to beat the system. This is usually to the detriment of their employees and customers. It is not uncommon for a business to be open one day and the next day, there will be a sign saying it was closed by of the NYC Department of Health, or the Department of Buildings.
Conclusion
These are just a few of the pros and cons of living in NYC permanently. People either love or hate NYC and there is rarely an in-between. Truthfully, I do not hate it here, but the love is starting to wane. There are an infintie amount of opportunities here. However, living in NYC sometimes feels like a full-time job with the constant grind. In conclusion, NYC living is not for the faint of heart. For some people, living here may only be for a season, but will be a forever home for many for a multitude of reasons.
Leaving home is a huge decision for most people. Your family, friends, and memories are in your hometown. Leaving home does not have to be a permanent decision. You can leave for college, or accept a job in another city. You could try to vist different cities or countries for your vacations. Leaving your hometown gives you more perspective about the world, gets you out of your comfort zone, and teaches you more about yourself.
Perspective about the World
Refusing to venture out of your hometown can give you a narrow view of the world. The world is so vast and there is so much to see and do. People have completely different ways of living and when you leave home, you can see those differences up close instead of just watching it on television every once in awhile. It gives your more perspective on what is happening in other parts of our country as well as what is going on in the world.
Gets You Out of Your Comfort Zone
Going to a new place can give you a chance to get out of your daily routine. You can meet new people, learn new customs, and try new foods. These new experiences will give you a sense of confidence in yourself. You tried something that you have never done before and met some new friends who are different from you, congrats! Be proud of yourself for opening yourself up to new horizons. Try Reading The Big Leap: https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/6391876
Teaches You More About Yourself
When you go somewhere new, you can learn what you like, and what you do not like. People may think it is selfish to travel alone or move to a new city by yourself, but it can make you become more aware of your own interests. When we stay home all the time, we already know most of the venues and things to do in our area. Traveling or exploring other U.S. states and countries, you can learn how you operate in a new environment.
Conclusion
For the last seven years, I have lived in NYC on my own. There have been challenges, but I have learned about how people communicate differently, tried foods from many different countries, and developed a level of independence that I never thought was possible. You do not have to leave your hometown permanently if it is not for you, but at least try visiting other states or regions to expose yourself to more diversity and culture.
Millenials and Gen Z’s have differed greatly from previous generations when it comes to abiding by social norms. These generations are getting homes later, getting married later, and having children later or not at all.
When you color outside the lines of normalcy, it can still be difficult, even in 2023 . Most people are still resistant to anything outside of the norm when it comes to family or career. So why do you compromise? You compromise to please relatives and friends, to fit in with societal norms, and to feel accepted by everyone.
Please Relatives & Friends
People who care the most about you may never fully understand you and this can be hurtful at times. When you have a new idea or goal, you want to share it with those closest to you. But this can often be your first mistake. You share the new idea or goal, and your family and friends cast their doubts and fears onto you.
Now, you will begin to stifle your ideas and goals to please your family and friends over time. I have met people over the years who chose their job or career based on what would please their parents view of success. Some people do eventually change careers when they discovered their true callings. But this process took time and of course their family and friends were the most resistant to their life change.
Fit in With Societal Norms
You learn early that the expectation in society is to pick a sensible job or career, go to trade school or university, get married, have 2.5 children, buy a home, and live happily ever after. We learn this at a young age and we even play house as children with this concept in mind. This is a great dream to have and can be a beautiful blessing, however, it is not everyone’s trajectory in life.
You can feel a bit like an outcast in society if you do not follow this conventional path, especially if you are a woman. There are women and men who want nothing more than to be parents, but there are also people who have children out of societal pressure too. Children and marriage are such a gift, but only if both parties truly want children.
Feel Accepted by Everyone
We feel unaccepted when we encounter people who have conventional careers and jobs. We feel it when people are married and have kids and we do not. It is hard because you feel like people are judging you and labeling you as a failure. You want nothing more than for people to just accept your career and life choices for what they are at the moment.
However, one mistake that we continue to make is informing people about our career and life choices. The best practice is to just take action on your goals, and share the results when you feel comfortable to share. The truth is that people will never understand all of your life choices. You have to accept yourself, and all of your choices for what they are at the moment.
Conclusion
I chose a performance career, which comes with constant unsolicited advice from people who have never set foot on a set or stage, which can get annoying. Honestly, if one more person asks me about my retirement plans, I think I am going to scream bloody murder. Yes, retirement is in the back of my mind, but I chose an unconventional career, so it is a bit complicated.
I chose this life and I do not regret it. People will always have something to say no matter what you do, so just do what you are called to do. Your body, mind, and soul will thank you for it! When you accept yourself for who you are, and where you are in life, you will no longer feel the need compromise to the standards of others.
After living in NYC, I have learned that people either love it or hate it here. There is rarely ever a neutral take from native New Yorkers or transplants from other states or countries. There are always plenty of jobs, tons of walking for exercise, and you can travel anywhere, anytime of day or night. The down side is New Yorkers are always working, which can lead to loneliness at times, the food is tempting and cancels out the walking, and rent is very high.
Pro: Jobs Are Abundant
Jobs are abundant in NYC! You can do jobs that you never knew existed. You can work at the Waldorf, Disney Store, Yankee Stadium, Jazz at Lincoln Center, Javits Center, Lincoln Center, Barclays Center, Madison Square Garden, Apollo Theatre, Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. The list never ends! You want a job or career, you can find it within a matter of weeks, just use Indeed.com. Whatever your career or job of choice, you can and will find it here.
Since there are some many jobs and the cost of living is high, most people are working mulitple jobs or working overtime at their full-time jobs to sustain a living. Socializing and making friends can be challenging. People are always busy and coordinating schedules is difficult.
Even if you have several friends, you will rarely see them. In order to spend time with friends, you have to be very intentional about making plans with people. You can try joining an organization that interests you to socialize more. You can go out with friends from work, or use meetup.com to find your tribe.
Pro: Built in Excercise Routine: Walking
You will walk all day everyday, run after busses and trains, go up and down several subway steps daily. Even if you have a car, you will be parking extremely far from your home or job. You will need to have comfortable shoes. You will wear down every pair that you own within a matter of weeks.
Walking is my form of daily exercise and if you live here, it becomes a part of you daily routine as well. NYC has nice scenery and can be quiet in most neighborhoods, if you are not in Times Square or certain parts of Manahttan. The sirens can be loud sometimes, but you will hear live music often while walking down the street, which is pretty cool.
Con: FOOD, FOOD, FOOD
This is a bit of a pro/con. There is food on every corner in food trucks, bodegas (local grocery shops), grocery stores, ice cream shops, restaurants with food from all around the world. This a what makes NYC unique, the variety of food choices.
However, overeating and overspending is super easy with so many food choices. The abundance of food may interfere with the built in exercise routine of walking everywhere. Cooking at home will save you money and help your waistline too. So plan your meals accordingly and pack a lunchbox!
Pro: You Don’t Need a Car
NYC is one of the only cities that you can get around 24/7 without having a car. I sold my car almost 7 years ago and I have not driven since. You can get a monthly subway/bus pass for $127 a month and get wherever, whenever you want. You will need to give yourself plenty of travel time to get to your destination because the trains and busses are not very timely. But, you save so much money by not having a car. There will be no more car insurance, car payments, and you will not have to worry about high gas prices anymore.
Con: Affordable Housing is ‘No Bueno’
Get ready to throw the money you saved on not having car to your new NYC apartment. Wooohoo! You have more money to pay the rent now so it all evens out. Manhattan is way more expensive than Brooklyn, Queens and the Bronx, so I never looked for housing in Manhattan. I found affordable housing through Facebook markeptlace and Roomster.com.
You can search for rooms and go visit the apartments to see if you like the room. Bring a friend to be safe if you want. Discuss the deposit, broker’s fee, 1st month’s rent with the landlord, give them the money and move in as soon as possible. Be ready to put quite a bit of money down on an apartment. It is usually around $1500-3000 down, but this is about how much money you would put down on a new car anyway. You win some, you lose some.
Conclusion
High Rent and workaholism scares many people from NYC. However, NYC has so much to offer as well. You win some, you lose some! If you want to buy a home and have a family, this would not be the ideal place to live. However, if you are single or a couple with no children who doesn’t mind a minimialist lifestyle, this is the place for you.
You will not have the luxuries of elevators, washers and dryers in your apartment and large closets or even central heating and air, but you learn how to live with less, which can be a blessing in its’ own way.
Rent is high, but the jobs pay well and the opportunties for jobs are out of this world. You will find foods from around the world and you can walk around your neighborhood or a park and see gorgeous scenery. You can find friends here. Native New Yorkers are the most genuine people that I have ever met. Lastly, NYC is not for everyone and for some it is only good for a season in their life, but NYC is my home and currently I love it here, the pros and cons!
Hope this helps!
Dominique Duarte
What do you Love or Hate about NYC? Comment below!
Reaching your thirties can be quite a miletsone. Easily embraced by some, feared by others, but life changing for everyone. I have learned that comparing yourself to others is counterproductive to personal growth. You will not know all the answers. I have been in my thirties since November 2020, and this is what I have learned so far!
Comparing Yourself to Others is ‘No Bueno’
Social Media may have made this more of an issue for most of us because we see the pictures, and the posts and we think “why am I the only one who doesn’t have my life together?” I have thought it often and I wonder if there was no social media, would I be thinking so much about what others are doing.
Comparing Yourself to others is ‘no bueno’! It takes away from your unique journey and puts other people’s lives on a pedastal. No one has a perfect life and we all have our own struggles so be okay with your journey in life and do not be attached to a time limit. Everyone has their time to shine and your day will come, just work hard and be patient. YOU GOT THIS!
Health Insurance is Essential at This Point
Health Insurance may have felt more optional in your twenties because most twenty-somethings are generally in great health. Of course there are exceptions to this for sure. However, once you reach your thirties your body is going to change and even the smallest health issues will begin to show up.
Having health insurance will make things easier if you have to go to the doctor for any reason. The insurance cuts the cost of any doctor visit, surgery, or medication. It also keeps you from avoiding the doctor and making the problem worse by not seeking medical help in a timely manner. Taking care of yourself in your thirties is a great time to start taking your health more seriously if you have not already been doing this.
You Will Not Know All the Answers
This can be a hard pill to swallow, especially if you are a perfectionist. You feel as if you must know everything to be successful in life. It is okay to not know everything. Life is about continuing to learn about yourself, other people, and the world around you.
If you believe in having faith, true faith is not always knowing the final outcome of every situation. Plans and goals are important, but continue to be open to changes as well. I used to think that I needed to know everything to prove my worth to others, and still struggle with this at times. Give yourself grace!
Conclusion
Your thirties are here! Congrats and enjoy these years! We all know that our twenties came and went quite quickly so cherish your thirites. When you make sure you have health insurance, know that you will not know all the answers to everything, and stop comparing yourself to other people, you will learn to love and appreciate the amazingly unique journey that you are on and embrace it fully, even on the challenging days.
One of the hardest things about becoming an adult has been the persistent feeling of loneliness. When you are a child, teen, or young adult, making friends is easier throughout primary school and college. However, once you graduate college, it becomes more difficult to make friends in adulthood. People get married, begin careers and jobs and have families, so making time for friends takes more of an effort for sure. Here are some of the things that I have tried to help make and keep friends throughout my time in NYC.
Maintain Old Friendships
Keeping and maintaining friendships is the best place to start. Instead of trying to make a bunch of new friends, try maintaining and rekindling some old friendships. Think about all of the people who have come into your life and figure out who brought positivity into your life when you were in their presence. Ask yourself “Who brings joy?” “Who do I have or could have a frientimacy with?” According to Shasta Nelson, CEO of GirlFriendCircles.com, a frientimacy includes positivity, vulnerability, and consistency.
Write down everyone in your contact list and figure out whether you have these three elements with your current contacts. Consistency was lacking with most of the contacts in my phone, so, I began texting one person a day to check in or send a positive message. Writing “Text 1 person” in the planner has helped me remain consistent with this habit for over a year now. We all get busy, but making time for friends has to be intentional and it starts with you.
Finding a community is more challenging now than it was back in the day for all of us. Social media has made us more disconnected than ever. Finding a community was always the most difficult for me, even in school. I never really had a group of friends until I went to college, and gained some friends as an adult through musical productions over the years.
Try to get involved in a church, or any organzation that interests you, or find co-workers or people who have things in common with you. There are communities out there, but you have to take the first step if you want to socialize more. People will not come visit you in your room at home, so push yourself out of your comfort zone.
Church has given me a community in Memphis and even in NYC. However, it takes time to build intimate connections, even at church, so be patient. Reach out to people and even though not everyone will take the bait, the people who are meant to be in your life will, so just give it time.
Work on Your Personal Growth
Examine yourself and always work toward self-improvement. Yes, accept yourself for who you are at the moment, but also challenge yourself to work on unhealthy coping mechanisms, and work toward healthy communication. This is not easy work, but it is worth it and it will be continuous.
Friendships gives you practice to work on improving your communication skills. Sometimes, you will have tough conversations with friends. In order to have intimacy in a friendship, there has to be transparency by both parties. Therapy is a great way to work on yourself as well as journaling. Therapy is not just for people with big problems, it is for people to become self-aware. You have to be a friend to keep a friend. So learn to be the best you that you can be.
Maintaining old friendships, finding a community, and working on your personal growth can help increase friendship in your life if that is what you desire. Also, try to meet up with a friend once a week or once a month. Consistency does mean something different to everyone so figure out what consistency means to you.
Find out what consistency means to each of your friends as well. You can make friends and keep friends, just put in a little effort. Lastly, sometimes people will not reciprocate, but do not get discouraged. If you reach out to multiple people those you want to be your friend will reach out eventually, just be patient and give people grace.
