Seeking validation from others has been a constant in my life. As a child, I felt unseen and unheard in my family. I learned to mute my voice, and physically shrink in social situations. Recently, I attended the Embrace and Transform Workshop hosted by Eric M. Hovis. One of my biggest takeaways from the workshop was that I need to take up more space. Using my voice has become easier, but taking up space, especially in unfamiliar settings is still challenging for me. In order to begin taking up more space, ask people how you are currently showing up in the world, know your self-worth, and socialize more frequently.

Ask People How You Are Currently Showing Up in the World

You can ask people how you are showing up in the world. Sometimes, we may be completely unaware of how we are showing up in a room. You may think that you are entering the room with a load of confidence, but others could read you completely differently. Ask people in your life who you know will give you honest feedback about how you show up in the world. Take the feedback and practice showing up with a bit more confidence in new situations.

Know Your Self-Worth

You are worthy no matter what you accomplish or what you look like. Self-worth is not the same as self-esteem. According to University of North Carolina Wilmington resource page, self-worth is “the internal sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging from others.” Self-esteem comes from achievements or success, but self- worth is knowing that you are of value just for being who you are. You are so amazing and valuable, tell yourself that everyday.

Socialize More Frequently

The more you socialize, the more comfortable you will become with taking up space. So, get out of your comfort zone regularly. This gives you a chance to practice taking up more space in a room. If you only stick inside the four walls your room all the time, then you will always feel strange in social situations. Find meet up groups, join a church, volunteer somewhere that you are passionate about to become more present around other people.

Conclusion

Taking up more space can seem like a daunting task for more reserved people or people who lack confidence. Your voice matters and people need to hear you. We all have something beautiful to add to this world. Show up, take up space, and share your amazing gifts with the world. This can encourage others to do the same and make the world an even brighter place for everyone.

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

Book Suggestion: Roots of Self-Worth by Adam Sandberger: https://www.amazon.com/Roots-Self-Worth-Cultivating-Authentic-Self-Esteem-ebook/dp/B0CPZRXMPW

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/how-do-you-find-your-voice-in-the-world/

According to Verywellmind.com, Intergenerational Trauma is “trama that is passed down from a trauma survivor to his/her descendants.” Oprah and Dr. Perry’s book “What Happened to You?”, discusses the generational trauma in African American families due to slavery and Jim Crow. Jim Crow laws and slavery ended long ago, but the effect on black families in the U.S. is still apparent, even in 2024.

Since African Americans did not immigrate to America like other people, our sense of community was not established as thoroughly as immigrants. Furthermore, black people are still the least likely to go to therapy. In order to overcome intergenerational trauma, learn your family history, find a therapist or mentor, process your role in your family, and figure out your future with your family.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-integenerational-trauma-5211898

Find a Mentor or Therapist

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/why-we-should-go-to-therapy/

Therapy gives you an analysis of your life’s history and why things are the way they are in your life. Therapy is not about blaming people for your life issues, but it gives you a bird’s eye view of what traumas you have experienced and how it has shaped you into who you are today. If you have tried therapy to no avail, then seek a mentor. This can be someone a bit older and more experienced with life to guide you. A therapist or mentor can help you process your intergenerational trauma.

Learn Your Family’s History

If you do not know your past, you will repeat it. Learn about your family’s strengths, weaknesses, the origin stories as far back as you can go, major events, and the causes and effects of those events. If you know your family’s history, it can give you more perspective and helps you remember that your family members are also flawed humans. Since we are so close to our families, we tend to forget this. Growing up, everyone in my family seemed larger than life to me, but the older I got the more I realized that they are just humans trying their best like me.

Process Your Role in Your Family

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202303/8-common-dysfunctional-family-roles

Figure out what your role is in your family and possibly the why behind this position. Roles include: the scapegoat, the golden child, the hero, identified patient, the lost child, the caretaker, or the parentified child. In my immediate family, I was an only child and the center of attention, but my spiritual, mental, and emotional needs were not being met. In my extended family, I was the lost child. I was not accomplished enough for much familial praise. However, since I was not creating controversy in the family I was ignored. Your role in your family is often influenced by intergenerational trauma.

Figure Out Your Future with Your Family

There is no right or wrong answer to your future with your family. You can forgive them, but still not have them in your life. On the other hand, you can forgive and have family in your life with boundaries. Also, you can just ask yourself: Would I want this person in my life as a friend? Take it one day at a time, one family member at a time.

Figure out which bonds can be strengthened, which bonds could be limited temporarily or permanently. Society says family is supposed to be very close because you share blood. This can be alot of pressure when that has not been your reality in the past. It is easier to connect with people outside of my family and always has been. Sometimes, you have to create your own family so figure out what works best for you.

Conclusion

Until therapy, I did not have the words to describe how I felt about my family. There is no beef with anyone, but not much connection either and my family history influenced this dynamic for sure. My role as the lost child in my family was set before I was born. I moved to NYC and I thought that would solve the feelings, but it just put a temporary band aid on it. Processing intergenerational trauma is a challenging process that will take time. Be patient with yourself and your family members as you process intergenerational trauma.

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

What role do you think you have in your family? Comment below!

Our life experiences are unique. Why do some people have so many people around them and others don’t? Some people seem to always have others around them all the time. Of course having several people around you does not gurantee a lack of loneliness in your life. It is not the quantity, but the quality of relationships. Everyone gets lonely sometimes, but loneliness is a constant companion for some people for years. Be fruitful with your time alone, put yourself out there, and develop your communication skills to manage loneliness in your life.

Book Suggestion: How to Win Friends & Influence People: https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034

Be Fruitful With Your Time Alone

Spend time getting to know yourself. Try to take long walks, go to the movies, meditate, pray, read books, take yourself on dates, and become attuned to inner self. The more you know yourself, the more confident you will become to others. When you are comfortable with yourself, you will attract positive people in your life. Furthermore, when you know what you are interested in, you can eventually find your circle of friends.

Put Yourself Out There

Putting yourself out there is highly overused in society, but there is some truth to the statement. Friends are not going to just drop into your apartment or house randomly. You will have to put in some work to build relationships. Volunteer, join organizations that interest you, find people in your industry or career field. Use https://www.meetup.com/ to meet people with similar hobbies, careers, or interests. If going out all the time is overwhelming for you, try to challenge yourself to go out a couple of times a month. If money is an issue, find some free activities to meet people.

Develop Your Communication Skills

Most of us think that we are great communicators. However, when you develop relationships with people on a deeper level, your communications skills are going to be truly tested. Can you disagree with someone in a respectful way? When you are angry or upset, do you know how to self-regulate? What triggers you and why? Do you stand up for yourself effectively when challenged?

No one should put up with abusive behavior from people, but relationships will have conflict sometimes. We are human and conflict is inevitable. Conflict resolution is a necessary skill to have successful friendships and romantic relationships. If you continue to isolate yourself from people when conflict arises, then you will be lonely. Work to improve your conflict resolution skills in order to gain friends, you have to learn how to be a friend too.

Conclusion

NYC can be an extremely lonely place to live for me personally, but I realize that I could have pushed myself to socialize a bit more during the past 7 years. Dealing with people can be difficult, especially when you isolate regularly or struggled to fit in during your formative years. Developing your communication skills, being fruitful with your time alone, and putting yourself out there will strengthen your self-esteem. When your self-esteem increases, then you will find your circle or support system no matter where you live.

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/how-to-make-friends-in-adulthood/

How do you make friends? Comment Below

Anxiety will always be a part of life. However, it becomes an issue when the anxiety interferes with your daily life. Anxiety is necessary to protect yourself from danger, but it is counterproductive when there is no actual threat. Ackowledge the anxiety, seek a mentor or therapist, and find a fulfilling outlet to overcome anxiety.

Reading Suggestion: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle: https://shop.eckharttolle.com/products/the-power-of-now

Acknowledge The Anxiety

Pushing and ignoring your anxiety will only make your anxiety worse. The more you try to repress, the more intense the feeling can become in the long-term. Acknowledge your anxiety so that you are completely honest with yourself. If we pay attention to a problem, then we can begin to work on healthy coping mechanisms to handle the issue when it arises.

Seek a Mentor and/or Therapist

Therapy can be a tool that can give insight into what is causing your anxiety. A mentor or life coach can give you strategies as well. Mentors and therapists can be objective when working with you. If you know what causes an issue, then you can begin eliminating or narrowing down what triggers your anxiety.

Find an Outlet

If you want to relieve anxiety, find something that you like to do for fun. Sometimes we have tons of anxiety because we are not resting or doing fun activities that bring us joy. If you do not know what you like, try some new things to figure out what brings you joy. Working all the time without a healthy outlet will increase your anxiety.

Conclusion

When you are honest with yourself about your anxiety, you can begin to work on handling it. The more you pretend that it does not exist, the more anxious you become. Find a mentor or therapist to assist you with finding a cause for the anxiety. Then, you can begin using healthy tools to cope when feeling anxious. A healthy outlet, such as a morning routine, evening routine, taking a walk, going to the gym, or reading a book, can release some of your anxious feelings.

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/the-best-ways-to-process-your-negative-feelings/

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

Do you have anxiety? If so, what do you do to relieve your anxiety? Comment Below!

Welcome to the year 2024! 2023 was the first year that I began using my voice in my daily life. It has taken years to find my voice. Now, I am working on using my voice consistently and effectively during conflicts. Finding your voice is a process so please give yourself grace. Sitting in silence, setting boundaries, and exposing yourself to diversity can help you find your voice in the world.

Sitting in Silence

Our phones, ipads, and social media have become constant distractions in our lives. We are always influenced by everything around us. Sitting in silence can give you a chance to check in with your inner thoughts and feelings. So, try yoga, meditation, journaling, or taking a long walk outside to rest your brain. Start with just 5 minutes of silence a day. You can add on more time each week or each month if possible.

Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is the only thing you can control when dealing with other people. Remember that you cannot control anyone or their behavior. However, you can set expectations about how you would like to be treated in a firm, and calm manner. This is a way to use your voice and take your power back in a sticky situation. If people continue to break your boundaries, then perhaps it is time to move on without that relationship, whether it be work, family, or friendships.

Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab https://www.nedratawwab.com/set-boundaries-find-peace

Expose Yourself to Diversity

Furthermore, try to expose yourself to a variety of viewpoints on a multitude of subjects. You can try to surround yourself with people of different races, ethnicities, interests, and socioeconomic statuses. If you only hang around people that look and think like you, then your ideas and beliefs will rarely be challenged. This will give you a limited view of the world as a whole. Diversity is essential to finding your voice within the world.

Conclusion

In conclusion, finding your voice and using it consistently will be a life long process for you. Siting in silence gives you a chance to discover your voice. Setting boundaries with people gives you a chance to use your voice with others. Lastly, exposing yourself to diversity can give you a wider perspective about the world as a whole.

Hope this helps,

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/the-best-ways-to-process-your-negative-feelings/

Dominique Duarte

Do you think you have found your voice in the world?

Why or why not? Comment Below

Food addiction can be difficult to handle. You cannot completely give up food since you need it to live. However, you are addicted to overeating and food is always so tempting for you. Eating whole foods can help curb appetite and cooking at home can cut the excess calories when eating out. Plan and log your meals, cancel food delivering services, and meet with a nutritionist regularly.

Plan & Log Your Meals

Keeping a food diary can be key to long term weight loss. When you are addicted to food, you overeat without realizing it. So use a journal or notebook to log every single thing that you eat every day. The best way to log meals and excercise is to use the My Fitness Pal app or website. My Fitness Pal is the easiest way to log your meals because it can give you the most accurate calorie readings for almost anything that you eat no matter where you eat.

https://www.myfitnesspal.com/account/create/welcome

Cancel All Food Delivering Services

If you are addicted to food, using doordash, ubereats, or grubhub can tempt you to overeat more frequently. Deleting them will make it harder for you to access high calorie foods more frequently. When you do go out to eat, walk or drive to go get the food. This decision will make it more likely that you will eat at home more often and eat out less. But if you want to keep these services, you can limit how much you will use them.

Meet with a Nutritionist

A nutritionist can give you advice to make small changes to improve your eating habits over time. You and your nutritionist can come up with strategies based on your personal goals and your current lifestyle. Nutritionists will have meal ideas that you may have never thought of as options that work for your daily life. Lastly, you can reach out to your primary care doctor and ask if they can refer you to a nutritionist.

Conclusion

If you have a food addiction, do not be discouraged. You can do this. Make small changes and you will see results. The results just may not be as quick as you thought. It took me a year and a half to lose 30 pounds, but I have maintained the weight loss for over a year. Log your meals on My Fitness Pal, meet with a nutritionist, and cancel or limit the the food delivery subscriptions to reach your health goals.

Check out “How to Eat Healthier” https://bydominiqueduarte.com/how-to-become-healthier/

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

When we have negative feelings, we tend to ignore them to appease ourselves and those around us. If you ignore or suppress your feelings, it can have long term effects in the future. It is best to acknowledge your feelings, seek therapy or a mentor for guidance, and discover the why behind your feelings.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

Many people are uncomfortable with having any feelings besides happiness. However, avoiding negative feelings is counterproductive to personal growth. Acknowledging your feelings is as simple as admitting to yourself how you feel in the moment. It is as simple as that. Name your feeling and do not judge your feeling as good or bad.

Seek Therapy or a Mentor

Therapy is a great way to express negative thoughts and feelings without judgment. Also, the therapist will ask questions that get your wheels turning on the why behind your thoughts. Mentors are also great sounding boards as well. Find a mentor in your field or someone with more life experience to give you guidance. I have learned that the most insightful people are the ones that can share their negative experiences as well as their positive experiences.

Discover the Why

Your thoughts and feelings are like a thermometer for your mental health. Thoughts and feelings are always there for a reason. Until you find the why behind your feeling, it will be difficult to move past it. When you disover the why behind your thoughts and feelings, you can begin to understanding yourself better.

Conclusion

You will have negative feelings. I spent so much of my life trying to suppress those feelings. However, I noticed that once I started acknowledging my thoughts and feelings as they came, I became more emotional regulated. Lastly, when you can get comfortable with your own feelings, you will be able to hold space for others to express their feelings as well.

Hope this Helps,

Dominique Duarte

Refer to How to Become Self-Aware: https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/how-to-become-self-aware/

Book Referral: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Life-Balance-Spiritual-Performance-ebook/dp/B0BC4PJ3SK

How do you process your thoughts and feelings? Comment Below